connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
