Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
