During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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