Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
