Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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