I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
