Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
