At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
