dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
