i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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