so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
