birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
