I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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