So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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