I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
