Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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