dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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