Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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