The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
