There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
