Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
