..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
