she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
