if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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