i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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