Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
