i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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