can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
