Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
