Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
