Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
