I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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