I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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