Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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