You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
