Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
