I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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