His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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