I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
