Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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