So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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