3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sext me about skeletons
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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