M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
