The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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