My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
