Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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