Banned from zoo.
Again?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
