a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
