i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
