who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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