go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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