i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
