i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm both gender and math confused
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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