I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
