if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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