so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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