Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
