just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
