I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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